She was a great beauty,
she was alive.
She was human,
she laughed and she cried.
Then came he.
She never wore make-up before,
she never looked like a whore.
She had never cut her hair,
to make sure that he was always there.
Her friends cry for her to stop.
They plead and they yell.
They tell her to change her path,
or he would take her striaght to Hell.
She wouldn't listen.
She was head strong.
She was nothing but a childly fool.
Only she did know what was wrong.
He didn't make feel her special anymore.
She cried on her bed at night,
staring at the door.
Then she hears a fateful knock.
Then she sees the devils sight.
He was there.
All sweet talk.
Trying to convince her she was wrong.
About him not loving her,
wanting the best for her,
and she thought he ment it.
That was until he hit his final hit.
After he had done his dirty deed,
he smacked her to the ground.
Her friends watched helplessly,
as he beat her without a sound.
That girl is still alive today,
but she is not a beauty.
She does not laugh, but only cry,
She watches helplessly,
as the angles tears fall from the sky,
pitying her life.
Hoping that other young girls will know what is right.
I like the idea of the poem, but there is something a little akward about the lines that makes it a two read poem, where you don't really get the feel for it until the second time around... It's a sad poem and there's a lot of emotion being channeled here... try and find some more powerful words for it and it would be a VERY beautiful poem... maybe you could go through and do some rewording... make things a little less repetitive?
Well, I'm guessing that this is a love story about a girl who gets used then abused. Depressing.
However, nice use of situations. It seems that, it could happen.
This poem is ok, but it could be improved on, sorry dear. But this is just the truth. I'm suck in the middle of do I like it, or do I hate it? Make the reader love it! Make them feel like they could do something about it. I had no idea what to feel from mthis poem, anger? Freedom? What a guy could do to a girl? There has to be emotion. But sorry to say I just don't feel it here.
Hopefully this wasn't harsh
your friend as always
-Max
This reads very stilted. The overuse of 'she' brings down a well written piece.
She was a great beauty,
she was alive.
She was human,
she laughed and she cried.
Then came he.
This feels a little awkward. Here's a few suggestions: Her friends told her to let him go, They wanted her to live, She ignored their warnings, Believing jealousy caused them to fib.Her friends told her to let him go,
they told her she had a life.
They told her that he didn't deserve her greatness,
but she only got depressed:
-- this again feels awkward.Here's another way you can word it: She lost herself, Past girl she was no more, He took away her innocence, She knew not who to be.Then she didn't have a life.
She was gone.
He seduced her to lose her innocence.
He persuaded her that this was right.
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